I'll Just Leave This Here...

Jess and I celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary this year (February 8). We want to buy new rings and renew our vows next year. I'm hoping we can pull it off.

Grievances...

I hope this post finds everyone out there well. I, personally, have had a rough time the past few weeks and, though this post will probably offend several people, I feel like getting some things off of my chest...

First Day! (short blog post...)

Well... We'll start with the good, first...

It was really awesome to get to program for a living today and it felt good to be productive again.

Now, the bad...

I have a six month probationary period to get through before I'll see any kind of benefits and my health insurance (dental and vision included) is going to cost me $150.00 A WEEK when it kicks in...

So, I guess I'll be looking, seriously, for freelance work and whatnot to try and afford my benefits...

Anyway, I'm VERY happy to have a real job so I'll find a way to deal with the negative bits.

Now, I'm off to eat dinner and study up some on ASP .NET.

Later!!

Finally! A Break!!!!

For those of you who haven't heard, I'm officially employed again!

After what seemed like a very short (in a bad way) interview at 10am yesterday morning, I got a call around 2pm with a job offer!!

I'm now (pending a successful drug test) an Application Developer with Carter Logistics, LLC!

Words cannot describe how truly happy I am with finally getting what I'm certain will be a great job with a great company doing what I LOVE. I start on Monday at 8am so I'll try and post again after my first day to record what I think.

Until then...

It Keeps Getting Better!

Just a quick update on my health.... I found out I have a scratched cornea to go with my glaucoma in my left eye... I'm now on five different medications for my left eye... Fun stuff, yes?

Anyway, that's it for now.... I apologize for any typos but my vision's a bit blurry... ;)

An update...

So... I've been back to losing weight for a month now and I've shed over 10 lbs. Unfortunately, it's 10 lbs I'd already lost, once, but I'm down from 330 to 318 so I'm moving in the right direction. I recently read the book An End to Overeating by Dr. David Kessler and it was a real eye opener concerning why many of us overeat.

And, speaking of eyes, I had an appointment with my eye doctor today to check my glaucoma which is still running rampant at a pressure of 30 in my left eye (it should be around 20) and he says that if it doesn't come down with medication in the next month, I'm in for more eye surgery.

Physical health aside, my mental health is of a questionable nature right now as my ADHD daughter is driving me insane. Everything is a fight and a tantrum and I'm at my wit's end. We've got her on medication and in counseling and none of it seems to be working... I mean, the medication makes a difference, but it doesn't seem like enough...

I'm still unemployed so that's not helping me, mentally, either. I'm stressed and depressed and frazzled. I am continuing my pro bono stuff, though, hoping that I can add it to my resume and improve my chances of getting a decent job.

So, anyway, that's all for now.

I AM DONE!

The title says it all. I'm done. I'm done trying to help and I'm done caring. This BS is killing me and I've got enough drama in my life without it.

Simple and to the point.

And now for something completely different!

That title is a bit of a lie, really, because here I am complaining once more...

Today’s topic of interest? Well... My career is a point of constant aggravation as one can gather from my previous posts but it got even worse today.

As of about 7:15am local time I was officially informed that most of the jobs here at my place of employment would be outsourced and that most of the workers would either be laid off or transitioned to a different company.

Now this may not sound so bad but the problems are that (1) they plan on doing all of this by May 4 and (2) they don’t know the details!

So now we all get to wait to find out our fates and no one is pleased as we are all unsure of our futures. I guess it’s time to ramp up the job search...

I’m Over It...

I've had it with my daughter.

She lies, she disobeys, she misbehaves in school constantly.

She flushes her medicine down the toilet.

She acts like she's sorry and goes right back to the same s*** the next day.

I don't know what to do anymore. No one has been able to help.

I'm about to put her in an institution before I end up in one myself.

Old Friends and New Inspiration

My wife and I took a trip to King's Island, an amusement park in Cincinnatti, OH, on Friday of last week. It was the first time in forever that it was just the two of us out on a trip together. Unfortunately my weight made the day less enjoyable than it should have been because I was unable to fit on several of the rides we wanted to ride. Talk about absolutely humiliating...

So it is blatantly obvious that I have to do something about my weight and with this latest bit of inspiration I'm ready to try once more to shed some pounds.

On the up side, the trip was in fact quite fun and spending time alone with my wife was quite nice as we do not get time alone very often with a seven year old and a roommate.

And yesterday turned out to be quite an interesting day. I was bored and sitting at home and decided to do a Google search for the name of an old friend and, sure enough, I got a hit. After exchanging a couple of emails, Shalee joined my friend's list and hooked me up with her mother's and brother's phone numbers. Her brother and I used to be very close growing up so I was quite pleased to be able to get ahold of him once more.

Today, I fired of a text message to my old friend and he responded and we had a nice conversation via text messages and I got his address and email address to go with his phone number so that I can hopefully stay in touch with him this time around.

Now that I've gotten the sister and brother, I have to get in touch with the mother. I found out from Shalee that her mother is living rather close to mine. In fact, they are only about a block and a half away from each other! What a small world... So I am going to try and visit her as soon as I can find the time. She was a second mother to me growing up and I miss spending time with her. I miss all three of them and I'm glad I've gotten in touch with them once more.

A Fond but Terribly Hard Farewell

After a lovely weekend with my father that started on Friday and ended with a Christmas Dinner that was probably the best we've ever had last night, I saw my Dad off this morning at about 10:00am as he headed home to Iowa.

I'm so pleased that things went as well as they did and I look forward to doing it again next year but, at the moment, I think I am the saddest I've been in a long time. As I sit here all teary-eyed, I find it interesting that one can be so happy and so sad all at the same time.

Anyway, my thoughts are with my Dad who will be calling me when he gets home to let me know he arrived safe and sound. For now, I have much to do so I suppose that is it for now...

Money for Nothing, Checks for Free

...I wish!!!

I paid bills yesterday... I'm thankful that I was able to work enough overtime to do so but, at the same time, I have to wonder why, exactly, I should have to kill myself just to survive. I'm not sure how I'll pay the next round o' bills that I will have to take care of mid month because work has slowed down and I don't know if OT will be available.

Apparently, both of the jobs I applied for last month have long-since been taken by others. I never got a call on either position. I'm not sure what it is I'm doing incorrectly but I'm obviously not getting it right...

On the positive side of things, though I keep dreaming about cigarettes, I'm clean and haven't smoked for five weeks as of yesterday. I'm pretty proud of this achievement.and I look forward to the time when I can afford to get my new bicycle out of Wal Mart layaway and start getting healthy again.

Anyway, I guess that's it for now.

Staying Quit...

Well... I've made it well over the 72 hour mark without a cigarette now and they say that is the worst of it, so the rest should be fairly simple. I'm pretty proud of myself and I feel better then I have in a long time since getting off of the nicotine.

26 Hours Down, One To Go...

I've now made it 26 hours without a cigarette. Although this would probably seem like nothing to the non-addict, I'm quite proud of myself for going 26 hours without the drug I've craved and ingested for so long now.
The other half of my blog title, 'One to go' is something I've picked up from some Stop Smoking websites. They all make a very good point about quitting smoking and that is that 'forever' is a VERY LONG TIME and especially so to the withdrawl experiencing addict. It is because of this that I'm only worried about the next hour. After that hour, I'll deal with making it through the hour after that and so on.
For now, I feel pretty good though I feel half-stoned and I'm not sure what is causing it. It is probably the fact that my caffeine levels are higher now because I don't have nearly as much nicotine using up caffeine. Either way, it is an interesting feeling...

Quitting Smoking SUCKS!!!

I'm trying once again to quit smoking and it is sucking worse then I remember it from the last times. I've definitely got the DT's going on right now... I'm moody and craving cigarettes like my life depends on them....
What is the most crazy thing about quitting smoking? The fact that my brain is arguing with me.... I mean, I have caught myself rationalizing everything from bumming a drag off of a friend to buying another pack. I have to stop and tell myself no and move on. Then... 20 or so minutes later... I'm thinking of the fact that one cigarette won't hurt... GAH!!!
It is definitely tough, but I'm nearing the 20 hour mark with no cigarettes, so I'm doing all right. I just don't know how long I can keep arguing with myself before I finally give in to myself... LOL
Well... That's it for now... I'll update again soon.

(In the fashion of 'The Price is Right') A New Car!!!

Anyway... As you can guess from the title, I finally broke down and bought a new car today. My Buick has been having death throws lately and I didn't know how much longer it would last so I figured that if I could find a car I liked that I could afford I would go ahead and buy it. Well... I found a car I liked, at least... LOL

I'm only paying 8k for it, but making that payment is going to be tough for me right now. Still, I'm quite pleased with the price and I love the car and Jess and Goobus like it too, so I can't say that it's a bad thing.

On another note, I had a most wonderful day with my wife and daughter after we made it out of the car dealership. I took the family to the park and watched my daughter play for awhile and then we went driving to my mom's house to show off the new car and then to some friends' for the same reason. The only downside was my daughter whining about everything she could possibly think of but, hey... what are kids for? LOL

Anyway, I have schoolwork I need to do and sleep I need to get before I head out to work tomorrow so I'm ending this now before I ramble on more about my sweet new ride!! LOL

Good night.

I think I need help dealing...

**DISCLAIMER**
Since I know you will read this, my love, don't get angry. I'm just venting my frustrations because that's what blogs are for. ;-). That goes for anyone else that happens to be the subject matter of one of my posts, too. This is just me venting so don't take offense.
**END DISCLAIMER**

So... It has been seven days since my wife and I discussed the fact that she was planning on divorcing me and seven days since we agreed to work things out and get back to being a happy couple I'm pleased to say that things have been going well. However, I've had to work the last few days so I haven't seen much of her. I planned on having a nice, enjoyable day with her today, being that it is one of only two days off that I'm getting this week, but instead I spent most of the day arguing with my daughter about her responsibilities while my wife slept the day away.

Now I know that this seems like a stupid thing to be bothered by but when I'm expected to (and willing to and wanting to) make time to spend with her and want nothing more then to do just that, this kind of thing just hurts me on some deep, emotional level.

On top of that, my mother called me today with 'some horrible news' that I 'needed to be prepared for'.... Apparently, she had talked to my Aunt... Jess had talked to my Aunt about all of this stuff a few weeks ago and asked her to keep it confidential, but as I explained to Jess, I would never expect a family member of the other party to be able to hold up to that, and my Aunt apparently told my Mom all about it. So anyway... Mom is freaking out and telling me how Jess is going to leave me and how she's having a relationship with someone online and having cybersex with him and calling him on the phone. Of course, Jess has already told me all of this (although I thought it was only once that she had cybersex with him), but hearing it from my mother was like getting a knife in the eyball and it brought it all back up to the surface... *sighs*

Anyway... that's all the venting I'm going to do for now. Getting it out has made me feel a little better, though I'm still having a tough time with the fact that Jess was, more or less, cheating on me. I wish that she had told me that there was a problem before she took that route... Alas! It is over and done with now and I will just continue to be there for her and work through my emotions. I'm going to go cuddle with her for a few moments before I pass out.

Eugh...

Today is my first day back to work since the discussion on Thursday and it is not going well at all... LOL
I feel like crap and I have this overwhelming urge to be at home with my wife that words just can't describe. And the real bummer is that it is only two hours in to my twelve hours shift... *sighs*
I've been asked to work two days of overtime this week and have turned it down because Jess asked me not to work that much but I feel like I should take all the money I can get at this point.... Talk about a serious conflict of interests... LOL. But, as I told Jess this past week, she is more important then the money so I know I've made the right choice.
Well... Hopefully things will get better as the day progresses... I look forward to getting home and spending time with my family, though...

A Blessed Day

Today has been a good day. Other then my internal feelings, I've had no problems dealing with life.. LOL

Jess and I are getting along great again and it feels good to be back to normal. It will be a lot of work to keep things moving in the right direction but at least it is work I am more than happy to do.

As far as my internal feelings are concerned, it will take me a while to work through them. It is hard to hear what I have heard and not be affected by it so I don't feel badly for having my feelings. I just feel badly that this whole thing ever had to happen.

Alas, I believe that is it for this evening. I'm all typed out...

The Day After...

Today went very well. At least I think it did.
I found out more startling things about how close I was to losing my wife. Apparently, she had already decided on divorce but was scared about being able to have the financial resources to leave me and she'd already started working on a new relationship to replace me...
GODS!!! How could I be so blind as to not see any of this? I really feel like the biggest moron on the planet at this point....
But... We had a very nice day; We spent most of the day talking and it was like the old days again. I think it was what we both needed and definitely something we need to continue doing. I mean, I've always prided myself on how well we are able to communicate and, apparently, I'd lost touch with that ability these past weeks...
I officially 'broke down' on her toward the end of the day... LOL. I'd been trying not to do so since Thursday because I was at fault in this whole thing and I wanted to be there for her but I just couldn't hold off any longer I guess. I had a good cry, though, and it gave me the opportunity to poor my heart out and really tell her how much it hurt to know that I'd caused her so much pain and anguish and that I'd been so close to losing her.
Well... I'm starting to cry again while writing this and my daughter is asking for eggs so I guess that's it for the time being. There'll be more to come, I'm sure...